You know what’s funny?

Not ha-ha funny, more like dark chuckle as you sink under the surface of a third gin funny? The fact that some people treat retirement financial planning like it’s some sort of precise science.

Spoiler: It’s not. It’s guesswork with a calculator and an anachronistic haircut. (You’re not 25 anymore, buddy.)

Financial planners (lovely people, mostly) will sit you down and run through all the “models.” There’ll be bar charts. Pie charts. Maybe even a little graph that curves up and to the right, full of optimism and compounding interest.

And then they’ll say, “Well, based on your life expectancy…”

Ah, yes. Life expectancy. That well-known, perfectly predictable little nugget.
You know this: nobody — not the guy in the suit, not the super fund, not even that perky- yet-dumber-than-a-box-of-pigeons chatbot on your bank’s website — knows how long you’re going to live. You could drop off the perch at 67 or still be kicking at 97, drinking shandies and waving your neighbours goodbye in a hearse.

So how are we meant to plan for that?

The Game You Can’t Win
Imagine being told to pack for a holiday — but you’re not told where you’re going or for how long. Could be three days in Mildura. Could be six months on the Moon.
That’s retirement planning.

You overshoot, and you live like a monk for twenty years only to die with half a million bucks in your super and a car you never drove because fuel prices are way too high for someone on your budget. You undershoot, and you’re 81 and rattling a tin next to the Bunnings sausage sizzle, just trying to cover the cost of your new dentures.

Some people say, “Better to have too much than too little!” Sure. But have you met super funds? They’ll hang onto your “too much” like it’s the Hope Diamond. And Centrelink? You cross some magical, magical threshold by three bucks and suddenly you’re no longer “entitled.” (To any money, that is — you’re still absolutely entitled to grumble about Centrelink, that’s the inalienable right of every Australian.)

Our Friends, the Planners
Let’s talk about financial planners. Bless them. They’re out here trying to perform complex mathematical gymnastics in a universe where 1 + 1 equals anywhere from -5 to 67, at random, and possibly may change mid-calculation.

They do their best. But they are, in effect, spreadsheet magicians working with disappearing ink. The variables are endless: inflation, market crashes, government tinkering, your dodgy knee flaring up again…

You think they know what the economy’s doing in 2043? Mate, they’re still recovering from 2020.
Honestly, you’d be better off if they replaced the pie chart with a nice pie.

So, What Do You Do?
Honestly? Shrug a little. Laugh a lot. You’re screwed anyway.
The wise heads will give you advice something like this:
• Make a plan that isn’t built on precision, but on flexibility.
• Don’t bet your future on averages. Plan for a range. Stretch the numbers , they’re all made up anyway.
• Invest in things that bring value beyond dollars — connections, skills, maybe a side hustle that doesn’t suck your soul out through your entrails every day.
• And most importantly: plan to spend some of the money while you’re still young enough to enjoy it. That’s not selfish. That’s sensible.

Sure, that advice is OK. But it’s really just doing the whole process and admitting the answers are imprecise.

Because if you think the key to ageing well is dying with a perfect Excel spreadsheet, I’ve got some mildly used, only one owner crypto to sell you. (Robertcoin, it’s the future of money and the key to wealth. Bargain at $10000 per coin. Future returns not guaranteed. Or even likely)

I think much better to just see it as a real chance for your heirs to enjoy the thrill of you tossing the dice. Die early and they get the benefit of your labours; get really old and you’ll have to move into their spare room. Surely that’s a win/win for them?

Foolproof Plan
We don’t get to choose our exit date, so it’s fair to say retirement planning is hogwash dressed up as arithmetic. But there is a way to win – find a financial planner who is also a clairvoyant.

Ring every local financial planner and ask them for next week’s lotto numbers. If you win, they get the gig.

I wouldn’t pick anyone who won’t have a crack at this challenge. After all, it’s more or less what they do for a living, and will do for you, until you stop living.